Boulder, CO

I’ve already written this post 3 times.  And in my head, probably another 10 times.  In fact, lately, it seems I’m always working on this post, my first post.  It bounces around in my head, while I’m laying in bed at night; when I wake up in the morning; while I’m working; eating; meditating (especially while meditating!).  Because it is the first post, and it has to be just right!  It has to be perfect.  This is the one everyone will read, right?  This is the one that sets the stage for everything to follow.  Right?

Fuck that.

And so you learn something about me.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  If I’m going to put this out there into the world, on the internet of all places, it better be perfect.  People will see it, critique it, judge it.  Judge me.  God forbid, people will form conclusions about me based on this post, so it better be fucking perfect!  Otherwise, they’ll be wrong about me.  No, I can’t let that happen.

Another little tidbit about me.  I’m working on swearing more.  I read somewhere that smart people tend to swear more (well, to be honest, I just read the headline).  I think I read it on the internet, so I’m pretty sure it’s true.  And since it’s proven that you can make yourself happier by smiling more (from the outside in), maybe I can make myself smarter by swearing more.  Makes perfect fucking sense, if you ask me.  Oh, and I’m trying to be more sarcastic, too.  Because my inner voice is pretty fucking sarcastic, and it would be a crime to deprive the world of these pearls of wisdom.

 

 

 

Right, lets get this train back on the tracks.  Yes, this post has been spinning in my head for a while now, and it perfectly represents how my life is changing.  Act 1 of my life has been very staged.  It has been a performance meant to please – anticipating what the audience wants and doing my best to deliver. Be the best me. Be good. Be respectable.  Nice.  Perfect.  And sure as hell, don’t ruffle anyone’s feathers.  Yeah, that’s gone about as well as you would expect.

End scene.  Curtains close.  Intermission.

Don’t these block quotes look cool and make the post seem more professional?

– me

This blog is part of a bigger shift. A shift toward selfishness. A shift away from pleasing everyone else (news flash: that doesn’t work).  Because how can I make you happy if I can’t make myself happy, right?  For those of you reading this who’ve been a part of my life, and have gotten comfortable with Brian as Usual, well… sorry. Not sorry.  Things change.  The shit hits the fan.  And you step back and look at the shit splattered all over the room, and if you’re smart (or you swear a lot), you wonder how the fuck did I get here?  Then you slowly start to connect the dots.  And if you’re brave… you start to make some changes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Fucking Einstein*

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be brave.  Really, I’m just fucking scared.  I’m scared to live the second half of my life the same way I lived the first half.  I’m scared to reach my final moments and think well, that was a safe, comfortable life. I’m scared of that feeling I get when I see something I really want, and just know that it doesn’t fit into my life.  I’m scared of that overwhelming sense of doom I feel when I know that tomorrow will be the same as today… the same as yesterday… the same as next Friday.

And fear is a powerful motivator.

White privileged alert: Ok, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I haven’t lived, and had some amazing experiences.  I’ve loved – truly, deeply loved; I’ve traveled far and wide; I’ve had professional success; I have a great family and I’ve had good times with good friends. I’ve had amazing highs, and shitty lows.  And I’m unbelievably grateful for all of this.  I am painfully aware that I’m both privileged and lucky, and to some, saying I want more is a massive travesty.  I know people all over the world are in dire circumstances; lacking the bare necessities. Homeless. Sick. In danger, fighting for their lives. All through no fault of their own; because they were dealt a shitty hand.  I know this.

In this moment, the best I can do is drop the act.  Forget the filters, close my eyes and ears to the critics (most of whom live in my mind) and put my authentic self out into the world.  I won’t solve all the worlds problems, and it may just be a big fucking narcissistic celebration of me.  Sorry.  Not sorry.  Hopefully I’ve already done some good in this world, and I certainly hope to do good in the future.  I guess we’ll find out.

 

My inner critic is an asshole.

– the internet

Time is the true currency of life.  In limited supply; so easy to spend mindlessly, and so hard to earn.  I know, I know, its a stupid cliche. Words are cheap, and yes, everyone knows this.  But knowing is not feeling.  Understanding is not experiencing. I’m really, really stubborn (or so I’ve been told), so maybe I’m just slow on the uptake.  But life serves up almost daily reminders about its scarcity and unpredictability.  By all accounts, I am in the tail end, and I have a limited, unknown amount of time left.  So I’m setting an intention to spend my time wisely.  On things that matter.  On experiences.  On adventures. On listening to loud fucking music, embracing my weirdness, embarrassing myself, taking the leap, exploring the wild places, and tearing down my comfort zone.  On friends and family. On things that nourish my soul.

Wow, that sounds flowery and dramatic. Time to step away from the kombucha.

 

Dude, we get it.  You’re having a mid-life crisis.

– inner critic

Anyway, this blog is another step on that journey.  The journey to find my authentic self.  To accept my authentic self.  To move forward as my authentic self, and create a life that I choose.

And I’m going to be traveling a lot around the world.  Seeking adventures, big and small everywhere I go.  So maybe you’re just here for the cool pictures. No judgement. Enjoy it. Or don’t. Honestly, I’m not doing this for you anyway.

I’m just here because someone said there’d be free food.

– unknown

 

* I’m not sure that’s his real middle name, but it should be.  I’ll check later and adjust it if I find out I’m wrong.