Well, I didn’t get this posted before I left Colorado, but close your eyes and imagine it’s one week ago. Then open them again, otherwise you’ll have a hard time reading this.
I’ve been waiting for some spark of inspiration in order to write this next post, but the matches seem a little soggy, and the fire’s not starting. I suppose that could be because I’ve been focused on preparing and packing and getting way too much shit done before I leave Colorado, maybe for good, and the US for at least a year. I have exactly one week before I step on a plane and begin my next adventure.
There is one thing that keeps nibbling at the edges of my attention, trying to make its way into my line of sight. It’s not small, and I’m not sure how to even approach it, but, well, when the water’s too cold, it’s time to say fuck it, and dive in.
Just beware the shrinkage.
– Inner Critic
Hurricane Irma feels like a good analogy, even more so as I watched it slam into Naples, Florida, where my mother has a place. The howling fury of the eyewall was awe-inspiring and scary, but in stark contrast to the eye of the storm, where an eerie calm settled in. Eerie because you know how close the eyewall is, and because you know there’s more madness to follow. But calm and quiet, while nature’s raw, ultimate and uninterested power is on display all around.
I feel a little like I’m walking around in the eye of a storm right now. I leave Colorado in seven days, and I probably won’t get through my whole to-do list. But I’m not stressed; I’m not nervous; I’m eerily calm, feeling good and… ready. And yet, I see a furious storm all around me. Things that try to draw me in, suck away the calm and send me spinning out of control. Reasons to be angry, to be sad, to be distressed. Things that, in the past, would have convinced me the universe is not on my side.
So the question is: how do I stay happy when the storm around me seems intent on demonstrating its uncaring sadism? When friends – close friends – are dealing with life-changing, what-the-fuck, why-me challenges. When the infuriating and depressing price I’m paying to leave behind my old life is shoved in my face. How can I be happy when people I love are suffering? How can I not suffer alongside them; share their burden or ease their path a little. How can I see the cost of my freedom and not question?
The old Brian would have viewed these challenges as a reminder from the universe not to get too high, not to feel too confident, and not to believe that things would work out. He believed that feeling good, positive and in control was a glaring beacon, an invitation to the universe to take him down a notch. That he would somehow be better off if he worried about the future, and believed unexpected disaster was always one step or one phone call away.
Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts, unguarded.
– Buddha
And I’d love to say the new Brian doesn’t think that way, but that would be too simple. The new Brian wrestles with the contradictions of life, of being human. How do I feel good and positive, feel optimistic about my path forward while all around me people I care about are suffering? Does expressing or sharing my contentment and optimism about my life somehow diminish or dismiss the struggle they’re facing? Honestly, I don’t know.
But I do know that when I’m paying attention, I see evidence all around – evidence that, in fact, the universe may be on my side. That when I’m clear about what I want and I follow my path, things seem to work out. In ways I could never have imagined with opportunities I would never have believed available. This past year, as one of the most challenging in my life, has been riddled with evidence that my old beliefs are outdated. They are self-fulfilling prophecies. The thing is, you need to be looking. And you need to trust.
When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
– Paul “the profound” Coehelo*
What I can do in this moment is choose. Choose to see the good that is happening alongside the bad. Choose to recognize my historic patterns and take a different path. Choose to enjoy this moment, right now, because it’s all I have. Choose to accept that my future holds both joy and suffering, and that I will face it head on, deal with it when it arrives and not get distracted by shoulds, coulds and what-ifs.
So I find myself wondering why I’m sharing this. What’s the point. Well, I’m not sure there’s a point. Perhaps it’s just a way of reminding myself that I have a choice. That I don’t have to fall into the old, comfortable patterns. That the beauty of life is that it is a complete and utter mess. That meaning lives where we search for it. And that in the eye of the storm lies a calm, serene beauty you’ll never discover unless you push through the surrounding fury.
And perhaps this is also to let some of you know that you have a choice too. I’m not saying it’s easy, I know it’s not. But it is possible. And if you don’t feel like it is, please reach out. Or talk to someone about it. In my experience, the scariest things yield the richest results, and being vulnerable with someone for the first time is scary as hell.
So I send compassion and caring to those around me who are suffering. I offer support and love where I can. And I move forward on my journey, knowing that my path takes me in a different direction at this moment.
And for those of you waiting for the cool pics of adventure and travel… hang in there, I’m T-minus 1 week from leaving. Feel free to check out some of the amazing blogs from people already on their Remote Year adventure.
Have blog, will bore.
– Inner Critic
* If you haven’t read any of his work, you really should.